Science is Boring

Do you remember your childhood? I do. Do you remember waking up extra early on school days to treat yourself to morning cartoon shorts of either the Disney or Warner Bros. varieties (WB cartoons, it seems, were for the low-brow, cooler kids at school. Disney was for the girls and sheltered momma’s boys whose parents thought that Bugs Bunny and his crowd of miscreants were drawn by the hand of the devil)? I do. Or, at least, I remember having to wake up early specifically to watch the WB shorts and pretend as if I’d been wholesomely enjoying lame-ass Disney cartoons to avoid the belt. Anyway, do you remember that in the half hour before WB cartoons came on was a show called Mister Wizard, in which Don Herbert (the overachiever’s Mister Rogers) would do a number of boring experiments and demonstrations that you too could do at home? Do you remember the awful child actors who would pretend to be interested as Don cracked the code on science fair volcanoes in what seemed like his home laboratory? I do.

I also remember being bored to tears. I remember waking up just a little too early and cursing existence at the fact that I had to choose between infomercials, local morning news and Mister Wizard until I could be legitimately entertained by the antics of cartoons with real cartoon names like Daffy, Porky and Yosemite Sam. I fondly remember my intense distaste of Mister Wizard (you arrogant bastard, you weren’t Doctor Wizard so you insisted on having your stupid title spelled out. No, sir, you couldn’t have been “Mr. Wizard” could you?)

I learned at the tender age of eight what I’ve grown to accept as the ultimate truth in academia: science is the opiate of the educated. In simple terms “Science = Sleepy”. To be fair to science (although you don’t deserve it, you stupid subject), I’m far more inclined to the humanities, but I have taken more than my fair share of science and engineering (which is like science, only with ADHD) classes. Now, there will be those among you that protest:

“But, Paco, science and engineering have made technology possible.”
“But, Paco, science and engineering are the manifestation of a whole lobe of brain power.”
“But, Paco, aren’t you interested in the way the world around you is put together and works?”

Ummm… no. Couldn’t be less interested actually. Sure, I’m using a computer, on the internet to type out a frivolous article about my indifference towards science, but I’m quite sure I could do without. Go ahead, ask me how I think the Internet operates. (Do it)

Simple: magic gnomes.

And no, I’m not a hypocrite for using technology to decry science, because I’m on fairly good terms with said gnomes. While I’m not explicitly saying that the study of science is useless, I’m kinda implying it.
I have nothing on which to base this off of, but I’ll go ahead and say that most people approach science classes like I used to approach Mister Wizard; it’s what you have to do before you can get to something interesting. In fact, to illustrate how useful science has been over the span of human history, I’ve compiled a compressive chronology of scientific accomplishments.

1,000,000,000,000,000 B.C. God invented the world and declared onto Adam and Eve “Thou shalt not eat from the tree of science. It will ruin your appetite for things other people (who I’ll invent later) find interesting.”

Sometime shortly thereafter… “Damnation! Didn’t I just SPECIFICALLY tell you? Fine, you like science… okay, I’ll give you some science.” God turned his back to them quickly and invented cancer, “huh, you like that? Use your science on that!”

1929 A.D. Philo T. Farnsworth uses science to invent television.

1946 A.D. Dr. Percy Spencer (what a stupid, scientist name) patents the first microwave oven. The first models were nearly six feet tall and weighed over 750 lbs.

1964 A.D. Food scientist at Ruiz Foods invent the first microwaveable burrito.

July 29, 1969 A.D. The most impressive feat of science ever before, or ever since. We discovered conclusively that it wasn’t, in fact, made of cheese, we left a flag (like you do) and we left with no real interest of returning again. Moon colonies, you say? Nah… not for us. Let the Ruskies get up there and make a Communist moon colony if they want to. We’re too busy thinking up the Internet.

May 10, 1974 A.D. Al Gore invents the internet. Sorry. No, I’m really sorry for that one. Even I’m embarrassed by that one.

1990 A.D. I discovered that we can send a man to the moon, but we can’t get my burrito to cook evenly.

1992 A.D. God caught on to humans having TV, so he invented MTV’s The Real World, planting the seed for the explosion of reality TV which would eventually ruin all television programming. God’s wrath, man… God’s wrath. Reality TV is the 1990’s equivalent of Noah’s flood. And where was science for that?

2001-2005 A.D. I’ve effectively slept through every single science and engineering course I’ve had. Proving conclusively: Science is BORING!

That's all.