The Art of the Siesta

I’m a napper. I very much enjoy my midday nap. My mid-afternoon nap. My mid-evening nap as well as my occasional mid-class nap. Essentially, if there’s an opportunity to nap, I eagerly and vigorously seize it. It isn’t so much sleeping that makes me love life as much as it is napping. Sleeping (normally consisting of 4-5 REM cycles for normal adults) is what you do at night to recharge your body from the rigors of your active, industrious day; napping is what you do when you have many more productive things you could be doing but have chosen not to because you’re probably lazy and lack drive and motivation in life. Yup, I’m a napper.

In my travels through Spain this summer, I discovered that those folks really have cracked the code and mastered the art of napping. So much so that walking any given Spanish street from about 1:30 to 4:30 in the afternoon feels like being at a Phil Collins concert (you see the occasional old person but, otherwise, no one to be found). Everyone else has retreated to the comfort of their homes to have lunch—perhaps—and a glorious, glorious siesta. Shops are closed, places of business abandoned leaving only cafes and tapas bars as the lone fingerprints of commerce.

It was a little unnerving at first; it’s odd to see a whole city shut down as though it were 3:00 AM. No one walks the streets, few cars are seen moving, everything stops. After a while, I stopped noticing the barren communities because I too was actively engaged in the siesta. What a beautiful time! Around 2 o’clock, I’d eat a hearty lunch and I’d go STRAIGHT to sleep. No time wasted at all (if that’s an acceptable phrase to utilize with respect to midday napping) from the lunch table to my bed.

It’s certainly practical. The midday heat coupled with a big meal is very persuasive. Furthermore, there’s just nothing to do. The longer I was in Spain, the more I wondered precisely what it was I did back at home from 2-4(ish). Not that my evenings in Spain—or anywhere that matter—have ever been especially productive, but I quickly realized that I was more inclined to do something other than watch television from 5 o’clock on if I took advantage of the siesta. I was also a hell of a lot more fun at night (during my heavy, lavish drinking binges… to be discussed later, I’m sure) knowing full well that I was both rested and would be fully capable of taking on a five hour day the following morning.

I’ve been told by many an intelligent (lazy) person, when discussing napping, that scientific evidence (go ahead and reread that… It says “scientific”, giving me both intellectual AND moral authority) has proven (PROVEN) that the human body goes through a lull in energy between one and four in the afternoon—roughly six to seven hours after waking from a night’s sleep. Furthermore, said discussions also revealed that a nap during this lull increases afternoon and evening productivity 39% and improves the chances of a generally good disposition 62% (ummm… more or less). Which suggests, to me anyway, that when the Spanish invented the siesta in 1985, they’d been reading up on physiology journals. Genius!

Americans, on the other hand, don’t take siestas. In fact, shortly after the invention and proliferation of the Spanish siesta (which expanded to every Central and South American country, probably because they all spoke Spanish… this may also explain why there is no translation for the word "siesta") Americans invented the word “lazy”. As a direct result of our generally condemnatory response to something so marvelous as midday naps, Americans suffer some of the worst stress related conditions the world over (probably). Our cultural views—which, it’s important to note, are usually inherently correct by virtue of being American—with respect to siestas are misguided. Let’s examine a short list of cultures that have historically judged napping and activities deemed “unproductive” harshly:

--In 1500, what is now known as the Middle East was referred to affectionately as “The Land Where Things Grow A Plenty”. They developed a disdain for siestas, and God took away all their water. They realized the error of their ways when the beloved Sheik Abdul “Gary” Al-Fuqheah took a nap on an especially warm afternoon. BAM! Like the glorious fountains of Rome, they discovered oil. It would be foolish to believe these were coincidences.
--1783, Atlantis falls into the ocean. I contend this had something to do with criticism of siestas for two reasons: a) the sleepy cultures of the Pacific have never been fabled to sink into the ocean and b) there’s absolutely no way whatsoever to disprove me.
--On August 10th, 1912 and again on April 27th, 1938, ze Germans foolishly passed legislation mandating a cultural frown towards midday sleeping. They later went on to lose not just one, but two world wars (sentences like these are the columnist’s answer to a nudge of their elbow to your ribs, as if to say “there aren’t words enough to describe how very right I am”… and here we are).

There is, however, hope in sight; I am taking personal pains to ensure that America isn’t subject to catastrophe. Here and now, I pledge to have as many “Save America Siesta Vigils” as I can bear. Do your part: send donations to the Paco Saves America Fund. Your donations and my naps are what will keep America afloat. Thank you, Patriots.

Yawn.

That’s all.