Hooked on Pontiffs

While Pope John Paul II’s recent health problems are no laughing matter, they will presumably bring about a fascinating and momentous series of events. While my father, for example, has gone through four different Supreme Pontiffs and witnessed—although not personally—three coronations, I, in my 21 years, have seen no such coronation. In fact, anyone under… say… 35 has no real recollection of what a papal coronation looks like. For another “in fact” type statement, anyone under 50 probably has no recollection of the last REAL coronation; back when popes were popes and insisted on the six hour ceremony involving that gaudy triple tiara deal. Golly, how I would have liked to see Pope Paul VI’s coronation! There’s a man’s pope for you.

Both John Pauls decided to go the more humble route and have a “papal inauguration” instead. Which is fine, I suppose, but you can’t spell “pomp and circumstance” without “pope” or “parties”. As much as I as wish J-P 2.0 a healthy recovery, such that he can go for the record as the longest reigning pope, I’m also very eager to see the next pope (hopefully one with an exceptionally creative name) reinstate the actual papal coronation. More on that later.

SIDEBAR: Interesting Papal Trivia
—J-P 2.0 is the third longest reigning pope in history, weighing in at almost 27 years. He attributes his longevity to a healthy, disciplined regimen consisting of prayer, celibacy and Flaming Hot Cheetos.
—Number two is Pope Pius IX with 31 years, although that is contestable because he was forced into hiding by thugs and people dressed as thugs. Pius IX fled in disguise from the Vatican in 1848 and didn’t return until 1850 with the help of Napoleon III. Reports are that, during a basketball game between the Quirinal Junior College Cougars and the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, Pius IX paid 40 lira for the UCSC mascot costume and high-tailed it to Gaeta.
—The number one reigning pope… you guessed it: Saint (now) Peter, himself. Depending on which historians you believe (lousy, lying historians), Peter was either in office for 34 or 37 years. What’s the dispute? Well, he wasn’t called “The Pope” until after his third year in office. Before that, he was called “The Biggest Party-Pooper In All The World” (what with all his rules and so forth). Plus, Peter was known for making a big deal amongst the other apostles that Jesus loved him best.

In researching this specific, silly article, I came to one surprising conclusion: the papacy over the last century alone is absolutely fascinating. The 20th century saw nine of the most active of the 264 that have sat as Supreme Pontiff; granted, the 20th century just happened to be the one where everything in human history, you know, happened, but you have to give it to the popes for their contribution. Unlike presidents, kings and dictators, popes have an extensive and powerful domain over virtually nothing tangible at all—only they exercise that control all over the world. While other world leaders manage armies and economies, the popes give audience to musicians, actors and, most recently, break dancers. Which reminds me of the old show business line: “How do you get to Vatican City? Practice, practice, practice. Oh, and be Catholic.” Anyhow, presidents and kings can only govern you for a certain number of years (no longer than the term of your life); popes (on the very, very powerful other hand) can have considerable sway with the destination of your eternal soul. I defy Kofi Anan to tell the Cote d’Ivoire to get in line by threatening to cast them straight to the furthest reaches of hell. To be fair, J-P 2.0 hasn’t cast anyone to any reach of hell since 1993 when Dan Quayle left office.

In addition to fancy cars, fashionable hats and the undeniable word of God to back them up, popes enjoy a myriad of proverbial papal party tricks to keep just over a billion Catholics under their collective thumb. There is, of course, the encyclical which is essentially like our president’s weekly radio address only… well… no, okay, it’s more like the equivalent of the Monroe Doctrine and the Roosevelt Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine. With encyclicals, popes are basically advising all the bishops of the world (the Catholic ones, that is) about the latest gossip from God Himself. While encyclicals are addressed specifically to bishops, you’ll eventually hear all about what you’re no longer allowed to do. Popes can also evoke Papal Infallibility whenever they feel especially right. Papal Infallibility mandates the impossibility of a pope being wrong in matters of doctrine; I would call it something akin to being, say, President of the US, only without the nuclear weapons. In 1950, Pope Pius XII was the last to declare Papal Infallibility concerning the assumption of the Virgin Mary. Popes also have access to magic beans.

SIDEBAR: Ways Paco would abuse Papal Infallibility
Don’t get me wrong, the assumption of the Virgin Mary is an important and (apparently) indisputable event, but has anyone ever really REALLY questioned whether or not the mother of Christ got into heaven? At least, to such a degree that the pope would have to chime in with the strongest of statements like “Listen, pal, you wanna know why I’m right? Do ya? I’m right because God said I can never be wrong! Huh? You like that?” I seriously doubt it.
I would evoke Papal Infallibility to:
--Avoid speeding tickets
--Win Jeopardy (incidentally, Ken Jennings had the Mormon version of Papal Infallibility… which is why he lost after a while)
--Foul Shaq
--Claim I called “shotgun” first, every single time
--Call Judge Judy out

Popes in the past century have done a number of impressive things, some for the betterment and some to the detriment of the Catholic Church. Pius XI (pope from 1922-1939) made treaties with Mussolini for the Vatican City, treaties with Hitler for German Catholics and was a staunch supporter or Spain’s Francisco Franco. Chin stroker… Pius XII (1939-1958) was quoted as saying: “What world war? Whoa, whoa, whoa… you said Hitler is killing the who?” He also threatened to excommunicate any Catholic that supported any Communist regime proving conclusively that God is, in fact, on our team. John XXII (1958-1963) met with John F. Kennedy; Jack sought counsel concerning the whole Marilyn Monroe affair and the pope assured him that no one would ever find out about it. Incidentally, there was a craze on the internet a few years ago alleging that John XXII was, without question, the second gunman. Paul VI (1963-1978) was a widely popular pope who made the girls swoon. He was responsible for Vatican 2 (possibly modeled after the second Death Star in Return of the Jedi) which revolutionized the Catholic Church. Vatican 2 was not well received by conservative sects of Catholicism who maintained that the Church’s official motto should still be “The Catholic Church: Unrevolutionizible since 1875”. Paul VI gave way to J-P 1.0 whose contribution of a whopping 34 days as pope only makes J-P 2.0’s tenure even more impressive. I could make a reference to William Henry Harrison, but I’m fairly certain we all could have seen it coming.

John Paul II is a phenom. He’s far and away the most well traveled pope in history after having visited world leaders and Catholics alike in almost every country… and on the moon. On May 13, 1981, Mehmet Ali Agca shot the pope in Saint Peter’s Square. Luckily, the pope survived and later went to visit his assailant in prison; until now, no one has known what the men discussed. Musings of the Mediocre, however, recently came across a secret transcript of their conversation:

JP: So… you’re the man that shot me, eh? You fucking fucker!
MAA: Ummm… yeah. Listen, sorry about that, pope.
JP: Uh-huh. Sorry? You’re sorry?
(Rumbling noises followed by silence and a loud clapping sound)
JP: You idiot! Don’t you know what Papal Infallibility means? Your heathen bullets can’t kill me!

This incident necessitated the invention of what is conventionally known as the Popemobile, allowing for maximum viewing of his holiness. J-P 2.0 has been adamant of late concerning what he calls a growing “culture of death” (capital punishment, euthanasia, abortion, etc) as well as the “new ideology of evil” (same-sex marriage, or even same-sex eye-contact). His biggest accomplishment was in managing to assert his Papal Infallibility while revoking that of 359 years of other popes by pardoning Galileo in 1992. Apparently it is possible for one pope to be “More Infallible” than another. "Galileo sensed in his scientific research the presence of the Creator who, stirring in the depths of his spirit, stimulated him, anticipating and assisting his intuitions." He continued to say, "... Galileo, a sincere believer, showed himself to be more perceptive in this regard [the relation of scientific and Biblical truths] than the theologians who opposed him."

No, I know. I’m stroking my chin too.

Unfortunately, J-P 2.0’s health has deteriorated considerably and while the Vatican maintains that everything’s fine, there are meetings being held behind closed doors concerning who the next pope should be. Needless to say, I have a handful of recommendations of my own.

Paco’s Top Five Recommendations for the Next Pope:
5. Dennis Miller – He’d fill the role nicely because he’s critical, opinionated and refuses to believe that nobody cares about what he has to say. Plus it’s about time the clergy grew facial hair.
4. Bill Clinton – He’s skilled in diplomacy and would certainly bring a hip, liberal edge to the stuffy rooms of the Vatican. Vows of chastity and prudence? Details, details! Perhaps there will be philosophical Vatican-themed discussions on the definition of “the Almighty ‘is’”
3. Carrot Top – Gosh, that’d be funny, wouldn’t it? They’d probably need to vamp up security on that Popemobile, though. John Paul has endured three assassination attempts; Carrot Top would likely have three a day.
2. Prince – Much like popes past, Prince only goes by his first (?) name. Like the popes, he has an affinity for extravagant outfits and he’d redefine the meaning of “giving audience”. Pope Prince also has a certain absurd, hilarious ring to it.
1. Brian Beutler – His casually conservative/conveniently liberal views will bring the Vatican the indecision and ambivalence it’s never had, but always needed. Pope Brian’s enthusiasm, however, will likely be checked by his complete surprise that a Jewish kid from Southern California could ascend to the highest Catholic office. Problems arise, though, in light of statements such as “One would have to question the legitimacy of heaven or any other conception of an after-life given that the pope is making such a desperate effort not to die.”

Congress of Cardinals, my pick for pope is Brian Beutler.

That’s all.