Lame Attempt to Change the World (wide web)

If the internet were a guy, here’s the letter I’d send:

Dear Mr. Internet

I certainly hate to disturb you, sir, as I’m certain you have your many hands full, what with kids downloading music and pedophiles streaming videos of kids downloading music, but you and I have some issues to discuss. Until recently, I’ve been completely satisfied with the services you’ve provided to me; I very much enjoy seeing funny pictures of monkeys doing zany things, being informed of when my favorite bands are playing and especially having an opportunity to acquire some of Bill Gates’ wealth by simply emailing my friends and relatives.

Notwithstanding, perhaps you’ve gotten the wrong idea. You see, sir, I’m not particularly interested in collecting any more winnings. I feel as if others are more deserving of reclaiming whatever money may be owed to me by the government (maybe the government should keep it, they do work very hard, after all). While your offers for financial independence are certainly appreciated, I’m not quite sure I want any more credit cards, regardless of how spectacular their APR’s may be. For the record, I don’t even own a house; I ask you, how am I supposed to refinance it? One would think that given your extensive web of information (worldwide, I’ve heard… bravo) you would have known that.

On to more personal matters... While I’m not necessarily on the best of terms with my ex-girlfriends, I think it’s unfair that you should give greater consideration to their emails concerning the size of my… well, you know. Moreover, I think it is mighty thoughtless of them to enlist your services in subtly bringing to my attention that perhaps my sexual performance is less than par (far less, judging by the number of hints you’ve sent me). I think there are far more tactful ways to address matters of stamina, endurance and potency than to send letters to total strangers. Especially if those total strangers have connections with most homes and business from here to Calcutta. Yes, perhaps I’m not the studliest of gentlemen, but, really, how will deeply-discounted and questionably legal steroids help my cause?

Regardless of what rumors my have floated around my high school, I have no need for any product from any company that has the word “jock” in their name (international or otherwise). And another thing, I take offense, sir, to the recommendation that I can increase the size of my breasts! For your information (which, again, you’re purportedly FULL of), I’m perfectly satisfied with their size and contour. Simply put: my breasts are absolutely none of your business. I ask that you discontinue recommending natural supplements for them!

I’m concerned about my ex-girlfriends’ and high school “buddies’” insistence if I receive not only subtle hints, but what seems to be thousands of emails a week concerning these very issues. I’m disappointed in you, Mr. Internet; I would have hoped that you, of all people, would know better than to believe everything you read.

Look, I’m neither an angry nor an unreasonable man. You’ve been doing okay in the last few years. God knows I dedicate hours on end to popping your online bubble-wrap. Ingenious, if I might say so. And I do appreciate the hard work you do. I’m not upset at all of the emails you send me so very consistently. For example, of the 900 bulk messages I received today, I must say that I AM interested in the 200 or so messages concerning lonely housewives in my neighborhood. Very interested. I have been rather enthralled with the online activities of whoever Tina and Kristy might be and I appreciate that they personally invited me to see them… well, you know. How thoughtful of them. I do have one question though… what, exactly, is a “Lolita”? I can only presume they must be fabled mountain girls—much like Heidi—because, according to you, they seem always to be doing something with farm animals.

In closing, while I only receive an email from a real human being perhaps three or four times a month, I’m a little uncomfortable with the attention you seem to dedicate to me and (presumably) only me. You could spread the love a little more; perhaps diversifying is all you need to make a name for yourself. As a suggestion, Brian Beutler is most definitely interested in the singles in his neighborhood (and if he isn’t, he should be). He’s also much more likely to order something from a company called “Randy” and, from what I understand, he’s well acquainted with most every naughty web page you have. Surely you knew that, though. I’m certainly not one to propagate rumors, but if anyone needs those emails regarding size… well, I think my point’s been made.

Thank you for all you do, Mr. Internet. If I may offer some encouraging words of advice: keep at it! I really think you may be on to something. I’ll ensure to tell both of my friends to check you out. Oh and please extend my warm regards to Mrs. Internet.

Always,

Paco Ramirez

P.s. More Tina and Kristy please!

That’s all.